Saturday, January 9, 2010

Day Five to Seven

Yesterday I felt like committing something. Murder. Suicide. Something. Luckily I stayed within the law and just stomped around the house, picked on my loved ones a little, and wondered how in the world I could carry on with fresh air in my lungs? How do people do it?!

I swear, I think it’s harder for some than others. People tell me, trying to inspire me, “I just threw them out the window on the way home and never touched them again.” Like, since they could do it, I should be able to do it.

All it does is confirm what I’ve always known. They are not as addicted as I am. Otherwise it wouldn’t be so easy. I can’t imagine ever being so flippant about it. La, la, la, la, la. Yes, I simply threw them out the window. La, la, la, la, la. Then I skipped all the way home. La, la, la, la, la. Then I ate a piece of minty fresh gum. Yeah, right. How about I ate a piece of the exhaust pipe on my truck?!—that’s how easy this is!

I know I’m a bad one, carbon monoxide aside, because I have very good willpower and I haven’t been able to beat this. My willpower is world-renowned. For example, I’ve never slept with a guy on the first date even if I wanted to. Even if he was really, really good-looking. Even Kurt, who proposed on the first date. And though I had a feeling it wasn’t a ploy to get into my pants—he really meant it—I said, “Let’s see what happens if we’re still going out by the time of the Outlaws…” (He’d also wooed me with concert tickets, none of which got me into bed any faster, or married, but were decidedly cheaper than what he buys me nowadays—horses.)

I have girlfriends who say they’re going to wait until they sleep with a guy and then boom! Next thing you know they are sheepishly admitting to me that they did it and now they hope he’s going to call and should they call him because maybe he lost their phone number? They have lack-a-willpower. Or lack-a-self-esteem. It’s a lack-a-something.

Not me. Say I would like to eat what Kelly left on her plate at breakfast. I’m often tempted by leftover Toaster Strudels. Blueberry, apple, doesn’t matter. But I give it to the dog instead. I don’t pick. I wait all day long before I have my snack. This way I can sit down and savor it. A nice big bowl of it. I favor Blue Bunny Peanut Butter Panic ice cream and I am very mad that I haven’t been able to find it lately. In none of the stores. What did they discontinue it after they got me hooked on it?! I hate when they do that! Like I can’t find Ben & Jerry’s Chubby Hubby anymore either! Everything else I’ve been trying to replace it with is crap! I’m about ready to quit ice cream right along with the cigarettes if they keep getting me hooked on a flavor and then discontinuing it! Like I need this torture!

Anyway, I have incredible willpower in that I don’t sleep with guys or eat junk when I shouldn’t. I’ve also stopped chewing the inside of my cheek.

But I’ve never been able to beat the cigarettes. Why can’t I go to rehab like heroin addicts? Why can’t someone do an intervention where they take me away and they take care of all my responsibilities at home so all I have to do is concentrate on going to group and beating my addiction? But nope. No one takes this nicotine addiction seriously. Just because some people have it easier, doesn’t mean everyone can just throw them out the window. It’s not right.


Grey Horse Matters said...

Willpower or not this is the hardest thing you'll ever do. I trust me I know how miserable it can be. And as for the 'I threw them out the window' crew, you're right they just weren't as addicted as you or others. And they should stop bragging about it before they get a foot...never mind.

Gail said...

Poor baby! I feel the same. I can not quit. I have tried and tried but the last time my hubby bought me a pack.

Through the years, I have weaned myself of many kinds of medicines and shocked the pants off my doctors by doing it but the ole cancer sticks have a hold on me.

What really bugs me, is the price and the fact that I could buy a car for what I am spending monthly on Cigarettes.

I did not smoke in my youth, did not start until after my children were born but I married a smoker and I shall blame him.

I could have five patches, taking Chantix, chewing nicorette, all while gleely sucking in that poison.

When you find the answers, please, please, tell me!

How was that for a you can do it pep talk?

Sweet Virginia Breeze said...

I am so proud of you for not smoking. You are definitely strong and determined. When I reached a week without smoking, I felt like I had been through the worst possible week of my life. No way was I going to break down and smoke a cigarette and have to go through that torture again. Do whatever you have to do - rant, pig out on ice cream, sleep - just don't smoke!

Snappy Di said...

I quit smoking at the age of 40. That was 15 years ago. Just woke up one day and the smell on my pillow was disgusting to me. I was sick of having sinus infections from it too. Sick of being controlled by having that white stick in my hand. I replaced the stick with either a pencil or a glass of water and also did a lot of long speed walks. Anything to get away from 'the feeling' of thinking that I needed another cigarette. It's so completely socially unacceptable these days to smoke. Do the right thing... the good thing... stick with 'NOT smoking'.

It's not easy to quit. I had tried many times without success. But that morning when that ugly smell on my pillow hit me in the face I just wanted to puke and that was the day I quit.

In my opinion, 'just throwing them out the window' is the thing to do.

The Blue Ridge Gal

Tammy said...

Yeah, those who "just stopped" didn't have it like I did. My mom, a non-smoker, used to say "Just put the money in a jar instead of buying cigarettes." Get real, Mom. (God rest her soul.)

I think I told you that I had to plan it out. It was a 6 month process... I bought a new car & quit smoking in it. We were remodeling our house & every finished room, we couldn't smoke in, I stopped going to afternoon break at work. I started taking an antidepressant a month prior to stop date. I started taking St. John's Wart because someone told me that would help. On stop day I glued the patch on my arm and a rubberband on my wrist and I literally went to hell and back.

If the urge hit, I'd snap myself with the rubberband. I tore the insides out of a bic pen and sucked it. I ran the stairs to get my heartrate beating fast like it did with nicotine. I was a royal bitch to my husband, to the kids, to the dog, to my employees. I hated myself. And I couldn't figure out what the heck to do with my hands? What do you do after you vacuum if you can't smoke? Or if you want to take a break from mowing the yard. Well, you just don't take a break. You keep going 100 MPH or you sleep. It's the only break you get.

I remember around week 3 thinking that I might live. I wouldn't be happy, but I could function. And it did get better. Not to say I didn't look the devil in the eye again - I did. But I never, EVER, put another cigarette to my lips. If I did, I know I couldn't stop.

Alchoholics get to call their addiction a disease. Smokers never had that label although it was as strong a hold as anything ever had on me. I felt I got the short end of the stick not getting to call it a disease. DOn't know why that always bugged me.

But anyway, I feel your pain, Debi. And wish I could make it go away. Feb. 8 will be 12 yrs for me and if the big bomb was going to be dropped on Nebraska, I would smoke the first Marlboro red I could find! I'd want to go out smiling!

My email is on my blog. Drop me a note anytime you want. I've so been there!

Beth said...

Oh, gosh, Debi...I'm really sorry this is so hard. But I'm really proud of you for hanging in there, even when it sucks. Just know you've got a lot of folks pulling for you and cheering you on.

And, yeah, what in the heck is up with Blue Bunny dropping Peanut Butter Panic?? That was the only flavor they had that I liked. And for some reason, all my local store has now is their No-Sugar Ice Cream. Now why would I be eating ice cream if I wanted No-Sugar?? If I wanted No-Sugar, I'd eat a carrot or something. Geez. I have found Edy's Butterfinger to be a reasonable substitute, even though it seems a trifle rich for my tastes.

Jeff said...

Never having smoked (cigarettes - hah!), I can't know how it feels to try to quit. But you can do it, I know you can. One day or one hour at a time - whatever it takes. Has Kurt quit also? We're pulling for you!!

sweetflutterbys3 said...

You are doing great! I, too, am proud of you. All that ranting and raving you are doing is a great thing- get it out there and deal. It's like any other addiction, you go through stages and beat it. And with the willpower you have, I have no doubt you'll do it! If you can hold off eating ice cream like you do, you can conquer the world :)

Greener Pastures--A City Girl Goes Country said...

Jeff, yeah, Kurt quit too. This is always his big idea!

Gail, there is nothing I haven't tried. Have you ever tried the Inhaler? THAT worked very well for me. Though this time, for some odd reason, I found myself cold turkeying it.

Tammy, I'm going to have to e-mail you.

Thanks everyone! It really helps when I reread all your supportive comments!

Chris said...

Good to hear that Kurt quit too, at least he can feed and feel your pain :) We really are rooting for you both! Keep us posted, we can take the rants. I liked Tammy's comments. Again, I advocate doing something physical to distract and wear yourself out. Good luck! Don't give up!

Chris said...

You are going to like that fresh air once you get really used to it. And your sense of taste and smell will improve, your house will smell better, you'll have more money, you'll be more socially acceptable, like that matters, and you'll be able to leap tall building with a single bound.

Laughing Orca Ranch said...

Well, somehow all your ranting shows a great sense of humor about it all. Good for you.

I am one of those that started smoking as a teenager and stopped in my early 20's. I did quit cold turkey, but only because I got a cig hangover the next day, throwing up and a horrible, vicious migraine from over 12 hours of chain-smoking and drinking at a concert and a huge party.

The next morning I literally looked green. And I stunk so bad, I made myself sick just to smell me. My hair.....ugh! I disgusted myself!

That was the end of smoking after 5years. Back then, they were only about buck a package, but I figured out how much I typically spent in 3 months and as reward I bought myself a pair of designer brand Gloria Vanderbilt hot pink corduroys. And I looked so good in them, that stopping smoking and dealing with the withdrawal, actually didn't seem too bad. lol!

Hang in there. You're one tough broad. You CAN quit!


Jamie Ferraioli said...

Like I said on the phone to you...this may be hard, but it'll get better. You guys need to stop putting yourselves through so much torture of quitting and then starting up again. Think of that when you feel like smoking. Do you really want to have to go through the agony of those first few days of quitting again? Make this the time it sticks. You'll be glad you did.