Saturday, January 9, 2010
Day Five to Seven
Yesterday I felt like committing something. Murder. Suicide. Something. Luckily I stayed within the law and just stomped around the house, picked on my loved ones a little, and wondered how in the world I could carry on with fresh air in my lungs? How do people do it?!
I swear, I think it’s harder for some than others. People tell me, trying to inspire me, “I just threw them out the window on the way home and never touched them again.” Like, since they could do it, I should be able to do it.
All it does is confirm what I’ve always known. They are not as addicted as I am. Otherwise it wouldn’t be so easy. I can’t imagine ever being so flippant about it. La, la, la, la, la. Yes, I simply threw them out the window. La, la, la, la, la. Then I skipped all the way home. La, la, la, la, la. Then I ate a piece of minty fresh gum. Yeah, right. How about I ate a piece of the exhaust pipe on my truck?!—that’s how easy this is!
I know I’m a bad one, carbon monoxide aside, because I have very good willpower and I haven’t been able to beat this. My willpower is world-renowned. For example, I’ve never slept with a guy on the first date even if I wanted to. Even if he was really, really good-looking. Even Kurt, who proposed on the first date. And though I had a feeling it wasn’t a ploy to get into my pants—he really meant it—I said, “Let’s see what happens if we’re still going out by the time of the Outlaws…” (He’d also wooed me with concert tickets, none of which got me into bed any faster, or married, but were decidedly cheaper than what he buys me nowadays—horses.)
I have girlfriends who say they’re going to wait until they sleep with a guy and then boom! Next thing you know they are sheepishly admitting to me that they did it and now they hope he’s going to call and should they call him because maybe he lost their phone number? They have lack-a-willpower. Or lack-a-self-esteem. It’s a lack-a-something.
Not me. Say I would like to eat what Kelly left on her plate at breakfast. I’m often tempted by leftover Toaster Strudels. Blueberry, apple, doesn’t matter. But I give it to the dog instead. I don’t pick. I wait all day long before I have my snack. This way I can sit down and savor it. A nice big bowl of it. I favor Blue Bunny Peanut Butter Panic ice cream and I am very mad that I haven’t been able to find it lately. In none of the stores. What did they discontinue it after they got me hooked on it?! I hate when they do that! Like I can’t find Ben & Jerry’s Chubby Hubby anymore either! Everything else I’ve been trying to replace it with is crap! I’m about ready to quit ice cream right along with the cigarettes if they keep getting me hooked on a flavor and then discontinuing it! Like I need this torture!
Anyway, I have incredible willpower in that I don’t sleep with guys or eat junk when I shouldn’t. I’ve also stopped chewing the inside of my cheek.
But I’ve never been able to beat the cigarettes. Why can’t I go to rehab like heroin addicts? Why can’t someone do an intervention where they take me away and they take care of all my responsibilities at home so all I have to do is concentrate on going to group and beating my addiction? But nope. No one takes this nicotine addiction seriously. Just because some people have it easier, doesn’t mean everyone can just throw them out the window. It’s not right.