Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Quitting Smoking--Day Four or Something Like That



Warning: there is a teeny weenie obscenity in here so if you think you might be offended, skip this one.

I don’t believe that anyone feels this bad when they quit smoking. It’s something like the third day now and I still can’t function.

Now it’s the fourth day and I still can’t function. All I’m doing is sleeping when I’m not ripping heads off. Ripping heads, rolling heads. But not giving head. Who’s in the mood when you want to die?

Ut! I just hurt Kelly’s feelings and now I can’t write! I just woke up and wanted to get some of these thoughts down and she came over and wanted me to look at something she was doing, making cards for people or something, and I said, “Not now, I’m writing.” She walked away sad. I was going to say, “She walked away dejectedly.” But that’s not the way I speak. Actually, I should say that’s not the way I talk. I’m a little cranky. I’m going to talk like I wanna talk. Wanna, wanna, wanna. You got a problem with that? Okay, so I considered saying, “She walked away disappointed.” I wouldn’t have said that either. I would have just said, “She walked away sad.” So I said it.

Anyway, I feel guilty. Now I can’t write. Now my stomach is clenching up. I was feeling pretty good there for a while but now I feel like crap again…

Okay, so I just called her back. “What do you want to show me?”

Kids are very forgiving.

Now that that’s over with. Okay, let’s see. I don’t think people realize how bad this is for some people. Maybe I’ll go into some examples of why I’m a bad one another time. All right, here’s one. I could never take a job where I couldn’t smoke freely. Hence, my bartending career. Some people might think, “Oh, she must have been a big drinker.” Nope. I was never a drinker. Could care less about drinking. One of the reasons I liked that job was because I could smoke my brains out while doing it.

One time I almost set my horse on fire. Horse. Not house. The head of the cigarette got lost in his mane. Yikes! I had to jump off real fast.

A lot of women stop smoking when they’re pregnant. I was always jealous of that. Even though I was super duper Earth Mother who worked in a health food store and ate only organic, whole foods, heavy on the vegetarian; and delivered my children with the help of a midwife who wore Birkenstock sandals and patchouli perfume; and breastfed until they were able to drink from a cup because I wasn’t putting any crap formula into their precious bodies; I continued to smoke. I’ll never forget seeing a notation on the midwife’s ledger right after we had Kelly: “Baby crying, parents outside smoking cigarettes, grandmother trying to console baby.”

It’s always gone against everything that I am.

17 comments:

Sweet Virginia Breeze said...

I know had hard it is to quit. I tried every method and tip I could find for at least 25 years, but I couldn't overcome the addiction. I was finally able to quit on 5/20/07. I don't know why that quit attempt worked when all the others didn't. I can tell you that it will get better and it is so worth the hell you are going through. Take it a minute at a time if necessary - just don't smoke.

Leonora said...

Hang in there! You've got people rooting for you!!

Grey Horse Matters said...

I can relate to everything you're saying and feeling.
It's tough. I find it's easier if I keep busy and don't think about having a smoke.

Rural Rambler said...

Deb I have never smoked. Cigarettes. But I watched my Mom quit and it has to be the toughest thing. I wanted to cry for her. We did some laughin' too. Later. And I know all about cranky. So I wanna just tell you that I am rooting for you!

Giulia said...

And day four leads to day 5, and then day 6. And then you celebrate your first week. And it's still hell. But it's not as bad as day one. Or even worse - the day before day one. Save all that money and put it into a new horse instead. Or a brand new Kubota tractor! YES!

sweetflutterbys3 said...

My brother, who is both a smoker and a drinker, has been working on quitting the cigs for a few weeks now. He's already relapsed a few times. He says it was easier to quit drinking!

Good for you to try to quit. So many people get defensive about their smoking and never even try. I bet you will do it. One day at time, girl! I'll be thinking of you.

nyredhead271 said...

You can do this Debi! If you can do all the stuff you do on that farm, this should be a piece of cake for you!

Tammy said...

We are such souls sisters....

I gave up a 1st class ticket on a plane because you could only smoke in coach (circa 1980's)

I left the hospital 11 hours after my son was born because I wanted to smoke

I smoked through 2 pregnancies

I smoked through my dad's lung cancer & death


You know I'm smoke free now... can't remember if I told you how... but deep down, I think my brain just wanted to quit worse than the habit wanted to hold on.

Time to go bunk up the horses for -40 degree windchills... yeah, try going outside smoking in THAT! I'll post more later & see how u r doing....

Becky Mushko said...

I think I'm gonna stay out of your way until you've adjusted to quitting.

Gilly said...

Thinking of you - don't give up trying - you can make it!!

Beth said...

I've heard a lot of people say that smoking is one of the hardest addictions to break, so I know you must be going through hard times right now. But know that there's lots of folks out there pulling for you, Debi, and saying prayers that God will give you strength and courage. You're a tough one and a strong one----I know you can do it. Hang in there, my friend!

CountryDew said...

Good luck quitting. You will be better for it if you are successful. Got my fingers crossed for you!

Chris said...

Hang in there, even if you have to do it one minute at a time. I know it's hard but you will feel so much better when it's all out of your system.

I was a smoker. I kept feeling sick, doc said I had to quit. At the same time I quit, we had a load of fire wood delivered. Every time I wanted to smoke, I'd go out and wail away on that woodpile: I was breathing heavily, exercising and cursing. In two weeks I had quit smoking and the wood was split and stacked. Having something physical to work out my bad temper on really helped.

Greener Pastures--A City Girl Goes Country said...

Yeah Becky, that's what I would do--lay low. Ha ha.

Thanks everyone for your nice comments and your support. It really helps! It gives me another little push! You go girl!--I can do this!

Lisa S. said...

Quitting really does suck. It rates way, way, way high on the suckometer. I'm 3 1/2 months off of 'em. Still want one; not gonna have one.

My Dr. told me that it was far better to gain 20 lb. than to smoke. So...I gained 20 lb. Oh well. Keep at it. Of course, having horses does help.

I scoop poop when I wanna go to town to buy a pack. There is always poop to move.

Jamie Ferraioli said...

Remember the time I went to the doctor and she accused me of smoking? I reeked so bad from you guys that she was convinced I was secretly smoking. She wouldn't believe me no matter how much I insisted.

I'm glad you guys are stopping. Don't you want to be alive to see your grandchildren? Or even your grandchildren's children?

gingerhillery@mac.com said...

There are worse things than cigarettes. Much much worse. But if this is the right time for you to set them aside, hang in there. I am so glad you are chronicling!