Sunday, January 31, 2010

Day Thirty--Crying Over the Horse



Okay, so what happened to that beautiful palomino Paint, Lowdown, who got me over my fears and helped me get my courage back? I sold him. I know, I know. It was one of the stupidest things I ever did. I’m crying about it now, just writing this. Of course, lately, since I’ve quit smoking, I’ve been very emotional and I’ve been crying about everything. They say that smoking masks emotions. I always thought that was ridiculous. It’s not like drinking where someone gets loaded to hide the pain. But now that I’ve been off them, I think they do mask feelings. Because along with the anger and the rage, and even this newfound sense of humor I’ve acquired where everything is funny, I’ve been sad. And it’s all coming out. I told Kurt I was feeling melancholy. He pointed out that I never even used that word before. Melancholy.

Anyway, I’ve been crying my eyes out. I’ve been crying about long lost relatives who I haven’t seen in years. I’ve been crying about long dead relatives. And dead TV stars like I Love Lucy. That got me thinking about Ricky Ricardo who died of lung cancer and I started crying about him and it reinforced my quit. Music guys like Eddie Arnold who sang one of my favorite songs, “Make the World Go Away.” He recently died and so I’ve been playing that song and crying. Les Paul. (Because I want to sound like I’m sophisticated musically.) John Denver. Which made me think of Sonny Bono out there in Colorado and I know Cher’s heart is broken even though they were divorced for years. Is James Taylor dead? I hope he’s not dead too.

Then I cried about my old customers at the Cambridge Inn because “Make the World Go Away” was on the jukebox. I cried about those who died, those who might have died since I’ve been there last, and those who are still drinking, their noses dropping lower and lower into their mugs until someone shakes them and says “Last call.” They might as well be dead.

Yeah, I wonder about those guys. Scottie, Old Man Charlie, Dave the Lobsterman, Mitch-I’ve-Fallen-Down-And-Can’t-Get-Up, Jimbo, Rich who brought me a pack of gum every time he came in, Don who’s ex-wife was born with only one nipple (or was it three?), and all the guys from IFF who brought me perfume in unmarked bottles. George Ross. Rossie. That’s what we called him. He I know is dead because I went to his funeral. He was the best. Why am I crying about all these people?

I’ve been crying about friends I didn’t appreciate, friends I didn’t know I had till I moved away, and friendly neighbors who taught me how to use draw reins and still send Christmas cards. Coworkers and bosses who I thought I would see again but have lost touch with and can’t find no matter how much I Google like Bob and Arlene. Ricky and Amy. Joy. Debbie. Diana Nova. I’ve been crying about Haiti and the little boy whose stepfather killed him, and Morgan Harrington who disappeared at the Metallica concert and now they found her body and her mother said that even her bones were pretty.

I’ve been crying about my mother who has leukemia but that’s a given. I’ve been crying about her for months, long before I quit smoking. And my father.

I’ve been crying over the death of the dream I had of having a close relationship with my brother and sister. I have given up on that. For some reason, they don’t like me. At best, they are distant and uninterested. At worst, they are mean and disrespectful. And so, I have to, for my own sanity, give up any expectations I had of being one big happy family like The Walton’s. It ain’t gonna happen. I’m sad about that. But I’m also okay because I have given up. If you don’t expect something, you can’t get disappointed.

And so all these things I cry about. And that includes the horse. I cried about him to a stranger the other day. I tried to reach the guy I sold him to but none of the contact information I had still worked. That freaked me out, that I lost track of Lowdown. My girlfriend helped me dig online and we found an old advertisement that they were trying to sell him. That really freaked me out but also got me excited. Maybe I could buy him? But oh no!—the ad was a few years old—he must have gotten sold! Maybe the new owner would sell him? Of course I would never be able to afford him. I had sold him for a lot of money back then. More than I could ever afford. That was one of the reasons I sold him. For the money. And regretted it even before I delivered him to the new owner, the rich people, with a big red bow on his neck.

I called the contact person on the advertisement. It was the barn manager where the owners were boarding him. They were still at the same place. He hadn’t sold. She told me that the daughter had lost interest and the owners had been leasing him out to various kids around the stable for the last few years. Didn’t surprise me because he was so good. She promised she would tell the owner that I was trying to reach him and I wiped my eyes.


I began having fantasies that maybe somehow I could buy him back. Maybe they’d let me make payments? Now that I quit smoking, I could afford to make payments! I even fantasized that maybe something was wrong with him and they needed to find a home for him and I would take him even if I could never ride him because I love him so much and that was the stupidest thing I ever did, selling that horse. And here I am crying again…

I don’t know if I’m going to make this no smoking thing because it’s been a month and I still feel like I want to die.

28 comments:

Gail said...

The drug is out of your system so hold on there! If you are gonna be so emotional, I will never quit. You are my inspiration!

Eddie Arnold is dead??? James Taylor is not but Adam Cartwright is gone to the great Ponderosa in the sky, the last of them. I bet you are crying again!

I could build a barn on what I smoke...wouldn't that be cool. Someone says how do you build that barn and I say, from cigarettes.

Don't give up you have come so far.

Jamie Ferraioli said...

You stay strong! And don't feel guilty for selling Lowdown. You know he had a good life where he went.

And your emotions are running wild because your body is adjusting to being off the drug of nicotine that its been used to for years! It's going to take time to feel normal. When I'm sad, I force myself to smile. I think you've told me to do that before. It's like a natural drug since it releases endorphins.

Snappy Di said...

My dear... if it has been a month then your body is still cleaning that nasty tar out of your system. Stay with it. Exercise and drink as much water as you can to also help clean out your system. I am surprised to hear this is making you emotional, but giving up addictions affects each of us differently. In time you will look back and say, "why in the world did I ever smoke those nasty things". It's been almost 16 1/2 years for me and just the slightest whiff of cigarette smoke up my nose makes me sick. Stay with this non-smoking journey you are on. It's the first step in changing your life.

Hugs!
Di
The Blue Ridge Gal

Laughing Orca Ranch said...

Sounds like all the buckets are full, the lakes are full and so is the ocean. You've filled them all like a flood. Goodness girlfriend, you're gonna end up dehydrated!

Stop carrying the world on your shoulders and go out and have some fun....just laugh. Laugh like a crazy person. It will feel you with endorphins and a rush of joy!

Hang in there. Chin up! You are doing some good things.

And don't give up on your beautiful horse. Sometimes things do work out in your favor. ;)


~Lisa

Beth said...

Debi, I am so proud of you for getting through a whole month without cigarettes. Wow---that took some real strength and courage! And no wonder you're emotional---it's a difficult time of year, anyway and Lord knows, it must be ten times harder when you're kicking a tobacco habit. Hang in there, my friend. You've come a long ways and things are going to get better and easier soon. Spring will soon be here and you'll be out riding in the fresh air breathing in clean and out clean and feeling healthy and strong. Just think of those tears as cleansing tears---you're washing out the bad to make room for the good. I'm pulling for you!

gingerhillery@mac.com said...

I think I read somewhere that crying is good for your health.

Hang in there. 30 days is a great milepost.

Grey Horse Matters said...

I think this would be so exciting to find your horse. Maybe they would sell him back to you at an affordable price, it doesn't hurt to ask. It sounds like you and this wonderful horse are meant to be. Keep trying and your dream may come true.

And don't go back to smoking you've come too far to quit now. Hang in there.

Rural Rambler said...

Deb so I get it, really. I haven't been trying to quit smoking and I find myself weepy over life's stuff. I think you and Kelly need to hop in the truck with some really bad junk food and keep lookin' for "the horse". You can do this, you is just goin' to feel like crap for awhile. Cheery thought huh? You can do it Deb! And just think how clean those lungs are going be, all the better to smell all the best of horse smells!!! And no I ain't been shopping in awhile only to Tractor Supply :)

Nezzy said...

Great big Ozarks Kudos to you! I have friends who say this was the hardest thing they've ever done. Hang in there, those cancer sticks are pure poison to your body.

I just wanted to thank you for your visit and your sweet comment. In the words of old Granny Clampett, "ya'll come back now, ya hear!!!"

sweetflutterbys3 said...

Very therapeutic. Sorry, I sound like the therapist I am in real life, but I think it's great what you are doing. Addictions tend to cover a lot of things, and it's great you are getting all of that out of your system.

I'm praying you can get your horse back. Keep us up to date and let us know what happens.

One day at a time! You can do this.

Sweet Virginia Breeze said...

I'm so proud of you for going 30 days without smoking. The crying is normal for some people. You will get past it.

Jocelyn said...

oh girl, someday let me tell you about the story of selling my horse. It was awful, and I regretted it, and then POOF she came back and I have her again. IF it is meant to be , it is meant to be.

Christina said...

Sometimes the only thing we can do is cry and smoke cigs. I know lately my habit of both has been off the charts. Keep your chin up and thank you for your kindness over at my place. I wish I could buy the horse for you!

Christina said...

May I suggest you try a horse rescue?

Gabriele said...

We go through different seasons all the time and sometimes the season is a season to weep. You go through it because you can't skip it, but know there will be a season of joy. Blessings

Gilly said...

Hang in there - you are doing so well! Get that drug out of your system, and you will be a new woman!! And don't worry wbout being emotional - its natural. Just drink plenty to wash the drug out and replace lost liquid.

I'm cheering you on from across the pond!

Greener Pastures--A City Girl Goes Country said...

Christina, I'd love to find a horse at a rescue. I keep my eyes opened. But I doubt I'll find what I need. I'm looking for a young Quarter horse that has at least 30 days on him and he has to be 100% sound because I do performance--barrel racing. He also has to have excellent conformation so his body stays sound because barrel racing is a lot of wear-and-tear. These are racehorses just like on the track. And people have no problem selling them so they rarely end up in rescues. But I'd love to rescue if I could. I've rescued before. I love to rehab a starving horse and then he's unrecognizable because he's so beautiful after he's been fed! Someday I'll rescue again. But right now I need my barrel horse.

Anyway, thank you everyone for all the great thoughts. It's been a nightmare and I almost relapsed but somehow I am still doing it. I'll blog soon.

Jeff said...

In six months, you'll look back in wonderment and celebrate the fact that you have beaten your addiction! It's tough, but keep on the straight and narrow. One day at a time, Debi. And yes, crying is very good for you, even though it doesn't feel good while it is happening. You are letting the poisons get out of your body. New mown hay will smell like it never did before - a wonderful, earthy, fertile smell. Hang in there!

Wolf said...

good for you for quitting smoking. i know it must be hard. but you are doing an amazing this for yourself!!

i am deeply attached to my horses because i have had them since they were babies. we don't really ride them as we should (i haven't ridden since i found out i was pregnant, and won't for some time afterwards...) and even though i think it would be good for them to go to a place where they would be ridden, i find it hard to let go. my hubby is trying to find a few of them new homes, but i always balk at the last minute...

we have a quarter horse, although he is not broke. 4 years old and a good boy. we didn't break him with the others last year because we had a rough time keeping weight on him the winter before. he is doing wonderfully this winter, but we probably won't break him for a while yet still...

CountryDew said...

I hope you are staying strong and getting through this difficult time! Crying is good for you - it helps cleanse you. You're in a tough place with your mom being ill and all, so this sounds pretty normal for your circumstances. Really! Thinking of you and hoping that it all goes well.

Giulia said...

This was one of the funniest things I've ever read. Sorry. But that's what good writing is all about, right? How you can be awash in tears (and believe me I DO feel your pain) and yet present it humorously - God bless ya.

Welcome back to the wonderful, wacky world of the non smoker. Now see, if youda stuck with me first off you'd be WAY past this point already. Keep your butt outta yer mouth, girl. I'm proud of ya.

Tammy said...

Jeff is right about looking back at 6 months. Hang in there!

I can't believe you found him!!!

Motley said...

Ball your eyes out Debi - It's all good. Lowdown sure is amazing!

Greener Pastures--A City Girl Goes Country said...

Tammy, I didn't find him! I gave the girl all my information and she promised to pass it along to Tarnoff (but wouldn't give me HIS contact info) but it's been two weeks and I haven't heard anything. It's probably better. I'm sure I couldn't afford to buy him back. It would be torture to find out he's available and I can't get him. I just hope that if he's ever sick or three-legged in the future, someone would look me up to take him in.

Shelly said...

Have been following you for a little while now and want to say thank you for your beautiful photos and your wonderful thoughts. I am in a huge transition in my life right now as I look at moving from Michigan back to SW VA to my parents 400 acre farm with my small flock of animals right beside me and right now it is just one day at a time and I enjoy all the inspiration that others have to share. I use my blog as somewhat of a gratitude journal and as my eye on the prize so to speak and I love women who inspire which in turn empowers others. Many do not realize the impact that they have and I just wanted to share your little impact on me. Thank You and keep sharing those beautiful pics.
Always, Shelly
http://featherednestfarm.blogspot.com/

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Tammy said...

How are you doing, Deb? Been thinking about you!

Cape Coop said...

Believe me, I UNDERSTAND all of it. Except for the smoking, well, I never smoked, but I EAT too much, so that must count for some empathic feelings about the smoking, right?
And the horse bit, but, well, we lost our pets once, and I searched for years to find out where my ex husband had taken them, so I grok your feelings there! As for family, oh, boy, can I RELATE! Cancer, well, that's where I'm at myself! So of course I am nodding my head and thinking of my own daughter as I read your words.
Hang in there, the good stuff is coming!