8 Things About Myself

I was tagged. I was instructed to tell eight things about myself or else I will have severe consequences such as all my teeth will fall out or my petunias will shrivel up and die. I better do it because I’m not taking any chances with those petunias.

The real reason is I like talking about myself.

1. I didn’t give birth to my daughters in a hospital. I had them in a birthing house with midwives and no doctors. It was the best experience of my life.

2. I breastfed them until they drank from a cup. I would have kept going since my modest 34Bs skyrocketed to 36Cs, and I lost weight without trying; however, the kids were clamoring for food.

3. I won an award for having the most jobs at my high school reunion. Some of my jobs include: dog catcher, editorial assistant, house cleaner, furniture salesperson, bartender, racetrack groom, health food store clerk, snake charmer (only kidding), newspaper reporter, lingerie-and-novelty-toy business owner specializing in full figures, flooring business owner, antiques business owner and tack shop owner. I thought about becoming a cop but my mother talked me out of it because the job was in New York City. Now I’m a writer and a farmer.

4. I won a trophy for dancing on a bar in Hoboken, New Jersey and also for winning a contest about what the library means to me.

5. I have a bowl of ice cream every single night before I go to bed, around midnight. And I don’t gain weight from it. I believe that’s an old wives’ tale. Just don’t overeat.

6. I don’t believe in going to gyms or exercising on purpose. Just get out there and mow your lawn, sweep your driveway, shovel out a pick-up truck bed full of mulch for your garden, pick up all the rocks in your yard, wash your windows, park as far away from the store as you can and paint your house yourself. You’ll lose weight. And you’ll be able to eat some ice cream too.

7. I clean manure in the morning in my pajamas. They are covered with bleach stains and paint splatters. The horses don’t care. I duck if the mailman shows up.

8. It drives me crazy when people come into my house with their shoes on. Think of everything we walk on! Then it’s okay to sprawl out on the rug in front of the TV playing a board game with your child? It’s gross. The Japanese don’t do it and we shouldn’t either.

9. I pick up litter on the side of the road on a regular basis. I keep plastic Wal-Mart bags in my car under the seat just in case I see some. Now and then I get out there with a box of Hefty’s and work gloves. I need one of those adopt-a-highway signs so at least I’ll get credit.

10. I once tracked someone down to another state who stole a saddle from me and with a little investigating and the help of the internet, called all his family, friends and his job and told them what he did. I harassed him until he was happy to mail that saddle back to me. I told you, I wanted to be a cop.

Oops, that was ten. I also told you I like to talk about myself.