Wednesday, March 27, 2013

I'm Cranky and that's Tough Shit


Smoking stand my nana and I used to use on her front porch. We were big smokers together. Nana died of lung cancer.

I’m not smoking. It’s been two weeks. It’s hard. But I’m doing it. That’s all I feel like saying right now. Wait. I’ll say this. For a while I was pissed because it seemed like all the people who’ve been nagging me and pressuring me and getting on my case and driving me crazy all these years to quit have suddenly dropped off the face of the earth. Dropped off the face of the earth! No calls. No pats on the back. No inquiries about how I am doing other than the perfunctory questions at the beginning of our phone conversations—“So how’s it going?”—followed by obvious disinterest in the details of how it’s going if I actually attempt to get it off my chest. Forget flowers. How come no one sends anyone flowers when they quit smoking? This is big! And we get no flowers.

What are they thinking?! Two weeks have gone by and I’m supposed to be over an addiction I was doing every fifteen minutes for almost forty years?! I never even had a job where I couldn’t smoke freely! It’s like they think, She’s good. It’s been two weeks. And then they tell me about their vacation plans and Girl Scout cookie orders and Brazilian bikini waxes. As if this fight for my life is suddenly over-with because I could actually get out of bed this week and wash my face. Which goes to show that they had no idea what I was grappling with when I was smoking if they think I could function and care about vacation plans, Girl Scout cookies, and Brazilian bikini waxes two weeks after quitting.

Then I thought, fuck ‘em. I didn’t quit for them anyway. I don’t need their approval or their support. I am doing this for me.

As you can see, I’m a bit cranky. One time I lost a friendship when I quit smoking because I was cranky. Well, not only that, but it was morning and everyone knows I’m not a morning person. So what happened was, this girl Sherley and I had an argument about how mules are stubborn. I said it in passing and she took a shit fit. She’d just bought a couple of mules. I had no idea she was going to be so touchy. I didn’t mean anything by it. Mules have a reputation for being stubborn. Everyone knows that. Great jokes have come from it. Plus god knows Sherley freely said many things to Kurt and I that most people would construe as very rude and we didn’t take a shit fit. She’s not exactly the sensitive type. Like one time she asked us what we paid for one of our horses, a horse we were very proud of, and when we told her, she screamed, and I quote, “Are you people f-ing crazy?!” We let that, and all the other obnoxious crap that used to come out of her mouth, go. So I was quite surprised that my comment about mules being stubborn got her so upset. But that’s not why I’m saying I was cranky—because I made the comment. I was cranky because I didn’t have any patience for her reaction to the comment. When she started screaming, I said, “Bye bye,” and haven’t talked to her since.

I’m not saying bye-bye to any of my other friends. They really haven’t been as non-supportive as I made out. I am cranky. But I’m not smoking because when I set my mind to something, I'm as stubborn as a mule.



14 comments:

Eartha Kitsch said...

I'll definitely cheer you on. I only know second-hand from seeing family members fighting to quit but I know that it can be over-the-top hard and that the addiction has a very magnetic pull. That said, I know that you can do it. I believe in you and the mules do too!

Grey Horse Matters said...

Boy I know how that cranky feels. I'm really trying to quit too. I will by the end of the month. I did it gradually and it's very hard. If I had your address I'd send you flowers and chocolate! Hang in there and keep being stubborn as a mule...and give yourself a pat on the back while your at it.

Chris said...

Atta girl!!!! Keep it up!!! I'm proud of you for quitting smoking and you can be as cranky as you want to be, heck I'm not there to take the flack. Just don't start again. Cranky an healthy is better.

CountryDew said...

Way to go! I hope you stand firm and keep away from those things. Good for you! Yay! Cheers from VA!

Becky Mushko said...

You're entitled to be cranky. And congratulations for being smoke-free for two weeks!

Cynda said...

As long as you don't smoke Debi that is the main thing! Keep it up! You can do it!!!!

Sloan said...

Good friends know what you're going through and they will understand if you are cranky and be supportive. If you dont' hear from them, it may just be because they don't realize that you need them. Let them know. Keep up the good work and stubbornly stick to being a nonsmoker!

Sloan said...

Good friends know what you're going through and they will understand if you are cranky and be supportive. If you dont' hear from them, it may just be because they don't realize that you need them. Let them know. Keep up the good work and stubbornly stick to being a nonsmoker!

Jeff said...

Not being a smoker, it is hard for me to imagine what you are going through. My father was a three-pack-a-day man and he died of lung cancer. I've had friends who have gone through what you are going through - it's tough! But you can do it - you've stopped before, right? And you can be as cranky as you want to be - I don't have to deal with it! :-)!!

Christina said...

Sherely sounds like an ass herself.

Kicking a habit like smoking is something most people can never understand unless they have been there.

Congrats on your success.

Beth said...

Way to go, Debi! Go ahead, be as cranky as you want----your lungs and those you love will thank you. I can't imagine how hard quitting must be---I've heard that smoking is as addictive as crack. I'm sending big hugs and virtual pats on the back from the NC mountains. And I'd send you flowers if I could afford them. :-)

Anonymous said...

Hi, This is Julia - we met on the NB yahoo group when you tried to quit ~ 5 years ago. I am still smoke free, this september will be 6 years. This is the best thing that happened to me. I know you can do it too :) Good luck
Julia

Leonora said...

Sending you pats on the back and hugs!!!
And if cranky and stubborn helps you quit this thing, then you do whatever it takes! Cranky and old is better than happy and dead.

Peggy said...

Good for you. I adore you you stubborn mule. Hard for me to understand the addiction I've never smoked. I do love food too much though so I get cranky. Hey, women who pay their own rent don't have to be nice. xo