Sunday, June 13, 2010

Candy Panties and Pies



Pearl brought me a strawberry pie the other day. I think she wants to comfort me. Right after I got home from Jersey, she brought me a chocolate-cream pie. And now the strawberry. I don’t know if she’d still like me so much if she knew what I was listening to in the truck. Donna Summer. Kelly hates it. She said, “Mama, can’t we put something else on?”

I think I raised a little prude. I don’t know how that happened considering I have a rather saucy background. For one thing I used to make a living by selling lingerie and adult toys at “F-a-ware parties.” Sorry, I know it’s silly to block that word since we all know what I’m talking about but I don’t want to offend the church ladies. A little curse here and there is one thing. The F word is quite another. I don’t want them to think I’m trashy. It’s bad enough I don’t think there’s a thing wrong with the word “ain’t.” Or “gonna.” And I smoke. Of course this is the south where you’re likely to hear things in the Minute Market like, “Ain’t you gonna put any a them fancy Marlboro Special Blend cigarettes on sale anymore Brenda Jean?”

“I told you Frank, I ain’t got nothin’ to do with it. That’s on the tobacca company.”

Still, I don’t need to be saying F too. Well, unless I’m really mad. Like say if the horse stepped on my foot and I was wearing flip-flops because I didn’t feel like changing into my boots when I went out to feed. Or Brenda Jean forgot to put my Snickers in the bag.

Anyway, the poor older daughter endured more than most embarrassed pre-teens during the lingerie-selling period in my life when I was a single mother who also cleaned houses, tended bar, and sold Barcaloungers and curio cabinets to pay the rent. First, Jamie had to share a bedroom. Not with a sibling. That’s bad enough. I didn’t have any other kids at the time. No. She shared a room with me. Her mother. But it was even worse than that. She also shared it with my stock. Industrial-style steel shelves lined the wall on one side of the room to the other, across from the My Little Ponies and Rainbow Brites, and depending upon whether you were raised Catholic or not, it housed either medical necessities or X-rated novelties.

Either way, these items flew off the shelf. Literally. Especially to bored housewives. There were edible panties (in three different flavors), the Santa and the Bear Vibrator, Ben Wah Balls, penis erasers and the ever popular Joy Jell. I figured with all this stuff around, the kid was going to turn out to be either the biggest slut going or become a nun, one or the other. Turns out she turned out pretty normal. I don’t believe she ever slept around but I think she likes sex.

The little one, on the other hand, has swung in the direction of the nuns. This morning she was mad at me. She claimed she heard Kurt and I having sex. That was impossible since we didn’t make a peep and I told her so.

“Well, I heard your door shut,” she said.

“So?”

“And there was whispering.”

“You know, maybe we closed the door because we didn’t want you to hear.”

She rolled her eyes.

The toaster oven dinged.

“You know,” I continued, “maybe you ought to be glad your mother and father still love each other so much.”

Jeez, it’s not like she has to worry about finding a pair of strawberry-flavored panties under the couch or something! Strawberry pie crumbs, maybe. But no edible underwear.

21 comments:

CountryDew said...

That was a hoot. Thanks for making me laugh this morning.

Rural Rambler said...

Well, hey you! Nice to hear and see you, I mean really nice, just really really nice :) I have to admit to dropping the F-bomb almost everyday because it just is the only word that gets all my frustration, anxiety and yes, anger out of my system. And I think of myself as a reluctant "goody goody good gal" with a supressed bad girl inside whatever that means but I can't seem to stop dropping the F-bomb here, there, everywhere. Deb I love Donna Summer especially in the summer :) Did I mention how great it is to see you? Pie, sex and edible undies all wrapped up in one post-pretty dang interesting this morning!

Tammy said...

Funny you mention Donna Summers... they were talking about her on my (trash) radio I listen to in the AM. Evidently Wendy's was giving away a CD with Last Dance on it in kiddie meals and someone found it offensive because the lyrics say "I'm so horney" on it. Now I used to dance to that song & never knew those words existed, but yep, they played it and they are there. Who'd of thunk?

Cynda said...

How do you make everything funny? I really enjoyed reading that and I'm glad Pearl is comforting you because yo comfort me with these funny stories you tell!

Sweet Virginia Breeze said...

Love this post! I needed a good laugh tonight - Thanks!

sweetflutterbys3 said...

Ah, come on! Not even one pair of edible panties?! :)

Laughing Orca Ranch said...

Too stinkin' cute! Thanks for making me smile!

I hate the F-word, too. I think too many teenagers use it as just another part of their conversations. So much so that it';s lost it's meaning and energy. It used to be a huge shock value word.....now it means nothing more than crap. Just another hate word.

I prefer using goofy words when I'm mad. They end up making me laugh and feel much better.


~Lisa

Laughing Orca Ranch said...

Oh! And I almost forgot the link for your daughter's fringe half chaps:

http://www.horseloverz.com/Adults-Luxury-Suede-Half-Chaps-with-Fringe-pr-354811.html

I bought black ones and intend to buy the brown ones, too. They are heavy duty, comfie, and easy to put on. And at $30, for real suede you can't beat the price.


~Lisa

Jamie Ferraioli said...

omg, so funny. Yeah I'm quite thankful I didn't turn out nutso. I remember rummaging thru your "supplies" and not knowing what most of it was. I remember looking at the penis-shaped watergun and thinking "this can't be very fun or effective to use". And The Rabbit...it had such cute colorful pearly beads in it! I didn't know what it was for. Good lord.
I love bragging to my friends about all of that. It's such a funny story.

Cape Coop said...

So, wait, you actually mean strawberry pie when you say strawberry pie in your house? ;)

Sloan said...

I always knew you were a wild one!But candy pants? You really need to write a book! I had no idea that your daughter grew up in such an environment. Funny stuff!

Beth said...

Hee,hee...thanks for the laugh, Debi.

And thanks for not saying the f-word. I hate that word. I don't mind the occasional "hell" or "shit" or even "damn." Even say them myself once in a while. But I hate the f-word. It's just an ugly word. Even the sound of it is ugly. And I hate how so many people drop it so casually.

I'm still trying to figure out what a "penis eraser" is. I'm afraid to Google it---Lord knows what will pop up. No pun intended.

Christina said...

1. I would be a slave to anyone who brought me pie.
2. I can outcuss a 70 year old navy man. I just watch it in front of little ones and older folks.
3. If I had edible underwear it wouldnt occur to me to be sexual. I would just sit somewhere and eat them by myself.
4. Kids-go figure.

Motley said...

Debi, What is the average life span of them there underwares??

Anonymous said...

Just because it is sunny outside now days and you have your love of your life horse back again, does not mean you can deny us a new post in a more timely manner :)

Sloan said...

Yes! It has been too long! Now give us another story Debi. I know you have a few up your sleeve!

Greener Pastures--A City Girl Goes Country said...

That's funny Anonymous. Okay, okay, I'm trying to find some time to write one and update you guys. I certainly can't quit with my last story being about candy panties! A lot has been going on. We're finally barrel racing, got a new truck, new trailer, a new girl helping on the farm, selling horses, and Kelly got dragged by Bullet when he fell at the first barrel. Wait'll I tell you...

Tammy said...

But how are things with Lowdown? Is he still the one?

Hope you are enjoying your summer. Looking forward to an update.

Anonymous said...

still waiting

Greener Pastures--A City Girl Goes Country said...

I swear, I'm trying! There's just so much to update you on, I keep starting and then...

Thank you for encouraging me. It's really nice to know people like my stories!

Rural Rambler said...

Oh man, my dang heart was in my throat the whole time I was reading. Thank heavens she is OK! I keep hitting the play button on your video trying to figure out what happened. The rail is blocking alot, but it looked like he hit an oil slick! I just went to full screen on the video and it just looks like a freaky kind of thing. I need a valium just watching it! Debi it is so nice to hear from you. Oh, and if you have that Leon Russell CD, The Wedding Album with Lavender Blue Dilly Dilly, I am going to be so jealous.